What I Wish Adoptive Parents KnewAs told to us by birth parents
It is so important that we hear more and more from expectant parents considering adoption as well as birth parents who have placed for adoption. They are an integral part of the adoption triad, and they deserve to have their voices heard and stories respected.
This is just one small list of things we have heard birth parents say they wish adoptive parents knew.
- This was my choice, but it's hard to talk about. This decision was not easy, even though I know I did the right thing for myself and for my child. Choosing adoption is the opposite of what I expected for my life. And I don't always know how to explain why I chose adoption. I also worry about what others will say and how I will respond to them. I'm proud of myself for this choice, even though I didn't tell many people I was pregnant or that I was making this child. Placing for adoption makes me different and adds a different layer to my life. I don't always know how to express this or if I should express it.
- I consider how (and if) my child will understand adoption. When I placed for adoption, I did so because I wanted more fo this child than I could give him. When I chose you, I did so believing that you would be able to give her more than I could in that moment. I don't want this child to feel as though they are worth less than anyone else. I want this child to understand adoption, but I also am not sure if he will.
- Choosing adoption the hardest decisions I have ever made. When I first considered adoption, I was told this would be the hardest thing I had ever done, but I didn't really understand that until after the child was born. I knew it was the right choice, but it hurt more than I ever expected. I will always be glad I gave this child life, but placing for adoption will always be bittersweet.
- I hope we have a lifetime to work on our relationship. I was so nervous you wouldn't like me when we first met. And I was so nervous you would just disappear after I placed for adoption. I want to have a relationship with you, but I know it will look different at different points. Please don't ever shut me out, and I will do my best to do the same for you. If I do disappear for a bit, please know it's not you.
- I can't imagine everything you went through to get here. I asked a lot of questions about how adoptive families are selected. And I was surprised at all the steps you had to take. It helped me feel more at peace to know you were approved for adoption and to know you have so much support for adoption. It must have been a tough road for you, but I am so glad you took it so that I could meet you and know this child is safe and loved.
- I will always worry. I don't think I will ever stop worrying. But I have heard that is what parents do And even though I am not caring for this child every day, I know I will always be her mom. I know I did the right thing when I picked adoption and picked you. I think you are wonderful parents. But I worry about what he will think about me. I worry that you will lose touch with me. I worry that he won't want to know me. I worry that I will never be able to express how much I love her. When I worry like this, just be there for me and let me work through ti the best I can. I still think you are wonderful parents. I just need to know it is okay to worry and that you are still there for me.
- I love this child more than I can express. And I love you for loving this child. I know I may not have always made the best decisions to get here, but I did the best that I could in that moment. I hope you know that. Thank you for loving this child in a way I couldn't and for bringing me into your life. Thank you for wanting to adopt and for helping me.