Our Adoption Story: A Birth Mother’s Perspective of Adoption – Jane’s Story
This week, we have the privilege of sharing a unique perspective of the adoption process – the birth mother’s perspective of adoption. We are so thankful that Jane* has chosen to share her story with us and hope that it encourages you as a birth mother considering adoption.
AC: What was your path to adoption like?
J: So, I never wanted to get pregnant, and I was in a very abusive relationship. About a month into my pregnancy, he got arrested and found out that he was going to do about 22 years in jail, and I had also gotten in trouble for being with him. So, then I was facing charges and basically figuring out how I was going to do this on my own. When he got arrested, I put a permanent restraining order against him, but his family wanted grandparent rights – they wanted to raise this child with me. They were like ‘Oh, we’ll help you,’ but I wanted nothing to do with his family.
So, I basically was, like, trying as hard as I could, working as hard as I could up until the week before I gave birth, actually. About three months before [my son] was born, I was talking to my parents, like, ‘You know, I feel like I really want this child to grow up safe, happy, and with two parents – the way that I grew up. I want to be able to give that to him, so I think that I am considering adoption.’
I looked at a bunch of different places, and I called one other place; I can’t remember the name of it, but Adoption Choices of Colorado was the first place that called me back – I talked to Cassidy, and she was absolutely incredible. I met with her, and she just kind of, like, put my mind at ease. Because, you know, you don’t really initially consider adoption. A lot of people are like, ‘how can I do this on my own’ because you don’t want to feel like you are giving your child away.
AC: How did you select your child’s adoptive parents?
J: So, I filled that restraining order against the [baby’s] dad, and he ended up getting bonded out of jail. [Adoption Choices] had to send the papers before I could pick a family. They sent him the papers, and he said he was going to fight it, even though he was facing half of his life in jail. So, actually, up until a week before I was induced, I wasn’t able to pick a family.
After all that, I told my caseworker what I kind of wanted in a family, because you can say your preferences. I basically explained how I grew up, and that was kind of the situation I wanted to put my son in. She narrowed it down to three different families, and when I looked through, the family that I picked just really stood out to me.
It’s definitely hard because you are like, ‘ok, I have these three choices, and a week before I’m getting induced. What if I pick the wrong family, or what if they don’t like me?’ It’s definitely nerve-racking, but I just felt they were the ones.
AC: What type of adoption did you choose — open, semi-open or closed? Why?
J: [I chose] an open adoption. When he was born, we decided that we were going to meet up every week until it got kind of busy. This was the start of quarantine, so we met up like maybe four weeks in a row, and then we were doing Facebook video calls during the quarantine — after that was lifted, I’ve seen them probably every other week, until recently when I’ve been trying to work a lot more. So, yeah, I’ve seen them a lot.
[I wanted an open adoption] because of Cassidy. I wanted to know what the best would be for my son, you know, I feel like that is such a scary thing. Is it better to really know him or not? She just kind of explained that when [adoptees] know you as they are growing up and stuff, it makes it so much easier because then they have three different families, instead of one.
AC: What did you know about adoption starting out?
J: Honestly, [I knew] nothing. I didn’t know how it worked or anything. I never really knew anyone who had been adopted — I had no idea. Then, I started looking at what are the options here, I could raise him, or there has to be another way where he can grow up and live a better life than I felt I could give him.
AC: Did you ever feel stigmatized or judged by your choice?
J: No. My parents knew the whole situation, same with my friends. When I brought it up, they were like, ‘you know it’s your choice, and whatever you think is right — we can’t tell you what would be a better option because you are the one having this baby. We’ll do everything we can to help you, but we’ll support you if that is your decision.’
AC: How did you process and grieve after the adoption?
J: Really, when I started thinking even about [adoption] and kind of knew that was the route I was going to go. It was really hard — this is your flesh and blood. I had doubts. I was so nervous about it. I met the family three days before I got induced, so they were at the hospital, and they took him home. That day was the hardest day I’ve ever had in my whole life. It is like grieving a loss, for sure. You just have to go with your emotions and let yourself be upset.
AC: How have you found healing?
J: Talking with Cassidy, the caseworker was such a great help. She was there and always checking on me, seeing how I was doing– I’d say something like ‘awful,’ or sometimes I’d say ‘I’m doing ok.’ My family was a really big support system, too — I just leaned on them. I definitely had a lot of breakdowns. I feel like it just takes time. There is nothing specific to do; take time to focus on how you can keep going with your life.
AC: What was the most challenging aspect of your adoption journey?
J: Knowing when I made that decision if I was going to be able to pick a family. Once make that decision, it’s like, ‘ok, that’s the decision I made, and I feel in my heart that there is no better way.” Just the waiting to see how it’s going to go and if it will work out. I had the birth father’s whole family just fighting against it and being threatening — it was a nerve wracking process.
AC: What were the highlights of your adoption journey?
J:First, being able to meet Cassidy. She was an angel on earth, just so amazing, and secondly, knowing that so many people are actually pro-adoption, more than you would think
You kind of get into your mind if you don’t know a lot about it, that it’s the last choice you would ever make, or that it’s just horrible and you’ll never see your baby again. But, it’s so much more amazing than you could ever think because you give a family who wants a child so bad and can’t have one this massive blessing. That’s really cool.
AC: What advice would you give other birth mothers wanting to place their babies for adoption?
J: It makes you the best mom if you believe giving up your child for adoption instead of trying to parent on your own is the better option. One thing I definitely appreciated being told is ‘that makes you such a strong mom for making that choice and a strong person overall for being able to do that.’
A Birth Mother’s Perspective on Adoption and Unplanned Pregnancy
If you are a birth mother considering adoption, we hope Jane’s story has provided the hope and encouragement necessary for you to move forward with your adoption journey. Just like Cassidy at Adoption Choices of Colorado, our qualified staff in Oklahoma is equipped to assist you with anything you might need. We will never turn you away because of your situation, so don’t be afraid to give us a call.
*name changed for privacy
*pease note image is a stock photo – not a photo of “Jane”
Adoption Choices of Oklahoma is a private adoption agency, licensed by the state of Oklahoma and leader in the adoption community. We have been assisting birth parents, children, and adoptive families in Oklahoma for over 19 years. Our staff members are committed to providing an ethical, empowering, and personalized adoption experience to all involved in the adoption process. If you are currently in the process of adopting a baby and have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact us.
Toll-free: 800-898-6028 | OKC Local: 405-755-1999 | Tulsa Local: 918-447-7777 | Text: 405-310-8790 | Email
Meet the Author: Grace Myers is a sophomore digital media major at North Greenville University. She loves writing and hopes to pursue a career in journalism or public relations after graduating.
An adoptee herself, Grace is passionate about writing for adoption. She especially loves hearing adoption stories and getting to know a variety of people.
